So I have this problem. I'm in music ministry and I love it. Plus its happens to be a condition on which my children's schooling is based. We are a "stewardship family" that is to say we donate money to our church and in exchange we receive a tuition waiver from the school the church administers. Along with 7% of our income we also are to attend church 3 out of 4 Sundays a month and all people in our household school age and older are to be involved in some kind of ministry. We are to purchase gift cards that give the school back a percentage and we are to voluteer 4 hours toward the parish festival. Sounds simple enough for a great faith enviorment and strong educational foundation for my children. Right?
Oh if it were that simple. See behind the scenes there is "thing". It's me...it us. Our family. First there me...the one that draggs everyone to church, the one that naggs everyone to get their obligations fulfilled. I myself feel spiritually starved and alone. I struggle with a lot of the aspects of the Catholic faith. And during those times I wish I had someone to keep me accountable...someone to encourage me. But I don't. While I have a very loving husband who treats me well and is a great father to our kids...he's not a church going kind of guy. Although we met in a church...I'm not sure my hubby even "feels" Catholic. Most of the time he gives himself credit for all the good in our lives. If we have a roof over our head and food on the table and clothes on our back...well that had nothing to do with God...that was because HE worked and made money and made responsible choices to make it so. My husband says he prays and that he had a belief in God...yet he hates church. He has a skeptical and cynical view about all things religion. He doesn't really believe that God brought me into his life...or blessed us with healthy happy children. No. that was something WE did.
Secretly I'm a mess. I wonder what God thinks of me. Does he see me as a sinner that needs to get my shit straight? Or is he glad he has me in his army? I don't know...but when I get frustrated with the whole thing I turn on myself. I get lazy. Maybe I don't want to go to church one weekend. Maybe I vent on my best friend, my husband about what those crazy catholic did to piss me off this time. But instead of having a partner that listens and reminds me of why I go...why I belive...why I do what I do....I have a partner that eggs me on. I don't want to go to church: he says, "Good. Now we can go out to dinner." I tell him about how Joe Catholic said something stupid he says, "yeah...that's Catholics for you." He never holds me accountable for my "sins". Instead he justifies them and makes a rational explaination for abandoning faith and serving self. Many would consider this a dream husband. And in many ways he is. But I'm not sure I want a yesman for a partner in this life. I want a man that will remind me why I do it. Why I should stop complaining and just get up and go to church. I want a man that praises the lord loudly and with all his heart. But in my saying that does that mean I don't want the man I got? No. I love him, it's just sometimes I feel I can't share that part of my life with him. That personal important part of me. And if I stumble spiritually...well it's up to me to get myself up. While others have husbands that sit with them in the pew and advise them according to God's will the way he vowed to on his wedding day....I sit alone in my pew with a lump in my throat. He doesn't go to see me sing. He ducks in late....leaves early. And it wouldn't be so bad if he didn't drag the kids along with him.
My faith has given me guidance and comfort along the way. I want desperately to give that gift to my kids. A faith they feel is real and reliable....not that annoying obligation we tend to weekly. But unfortunately this is the messege they get from my husband. He groans when it's time to go to church. Feins illness, complains about what a waste of time it is. The children hear him...and whatever's good enough for dad...is good enough for them. So off to church I go again...alone. So the choice presents itself. Do I continue to involve myself in a ministry I love, providing an education my children need at the expense of the spiritual lives? Do I forsake all that I love in praise and worship through song...just to tend to my family's spiritual lives? Is it too late? what can I do? I'm in between a rock and hard place. It's become go and sing and have a fufilling spiritual life...one my husband does not help me have...one I have to nurture myself. Or make sure my children have one. Yet if I quit the music minsitry...they are not able to go to the school I want them too. It's a horrible desicion. I never wanted to make this choice. I just wish my husband would help me. All he needs to do is take them to church and present it as something healthy for their wellbeing...but he won't even do that. He figures he signs the check that goes in the collection...and that's good enough.
I know a mother is to sacrafice for her kids...but what is the win here? Education vs. Faith...when we need both so desperately. I wish he cared about it. And I wish there were someone to talk to about it without them thinking he's some heathan. He honors the lord through his service to his family...and many times through the aid to his fellow man. But is that enough? I don't know anymore. I wish I had the answer.
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