Husbands Suck!
by Diana Heilman
I hate it when my husband gives up Coffee...or has a bad day...or is sick or whatever excuse he give to treat me like dirt.
Sure, I'll admit that I have many flaws. The house is always dirty. I forget things all the time. I'm generally an anxious person. I get sick or injured more often then I probably should. So he has a huge load to bear. Dinner doesn't get made...bills don't get paid...which equals more work for him. But that is the reality of our life. And despite the fact I try sooo hard and give this life everything I've got....its for nothing because everything I work for...the happiness and well being of my family...isn't achieved no matter how hard I work. My blood, sweat and tears poured into this family goes unnoticed.
My kids are happy. They are health and safe. They do fairly well in school and in their little lives. We have food, and things eventually get done. But they're never to his speicifications. Nothing is good enough for him. It's not fast enough, the food is not delicious enough, or not enough in quantity. He throws fits like a 3 year old when he doesn't get what he wants. Everything becomes fair game. My cooking, my housekeeping, the way I do things....me. Me...the woman he chose to be his wife....I am not good enough when he gets in these moods. He beats me down with one look....till I feel as tiny as a mouse. He breaks me down with his harsh words and his coldness. He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders and has begun to resent me for it.
I feel hopeless. This is as good as I can get. This is me...giving my 100%. If he's disappointed with that....it's only a matter of time. So he stays with me maybe just because he doesnt' have the time or energy not to. And this keeps happening. I walk on egg shells...but inevitably....they crack. He loses it. I flinch with each word out of his mouth as if it's a punch to my face....because to me...they hurt. My heart flinches each time. I'm always the target of his anger. I'm always the person he takes out his day on. Maybe it's because I'm just the one that's around....maybe its because he knows that I'll forgive him. But I'm so sick of it. The person he loves the most.....and he treats me this way. Sometimes I feel trapped. He has all the power...I have nothing. Just my kids.
And he'd be content to let this go on. But not me. I can't talk to him...I can't show him the real me. He uses it to hurt me time and time again. So I've stopped trusting him with it. How can I love this man so much? When he hurts me everyday with the chip on his shoulder. He says he can't count on me. Well, I've stopped counting on him too. For the things that matter most to me. I don't like what I've become. this powerless person...that has no knowlege, or ambition, or money. Who looks at the world with cynicism and what's in it for me attitude. I know I get it from him. I know he doesn't encourage me to grow...he only enables me to be the person I am now. I feel impotent...unable to be what I was supposed to be. The person I wanted to be.
I don't even know what to do about it other than suffer. And just wait for a day when this ends. Either I will or he will. But everday....I pray...."I hope he likes me today. I hope he likes me today." And when he walks through the door I know if it's going to be a good evening or not. And if it's not....I run away....I look out the window and imagine myself far from here. I curse the day I became a Heilman...and entered that God forsaken family. Only my kids make the day worth it. They make me regret letting myself dream of anything but....My life the way it was supposed to be. The good times get me through...because no matter what he does to me...I can't stop loving him. The good times have become lean....It makes me mad that I forgive him. Because i know if i do this wont' end. But what choice do I have.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Finding faith...on my own...
So I have this problem. I'm in music ministry and I love it. Plus its happens to be a condition on which my children's schooling is based. We are a "stewardship family" that is to say we donate money to our church and in exchange we receive a tuition waiver from the school the church administers. Along with 7% of our income we also are to attend church 3 out of 4 Sundays a month and all people in our household school age and older are to be involved in some kind of ministry. We are to purchase gift cards that give the school back a percentage and we are to voluteer 4 hours toward the parish festival. Sounds simple enough for a great faith enviorment and strong educational foundation for my children. Right?
Oh if it were that simple. See behind the scenes there is "thing". It's me...it us. Our family. First there me...the one that draggs everyone to church, the one that naggs everyone to get their obligations fulfilled. I myself feel spiritually starved and alone. I struggle with a lot of the aspects of the Catholic faith. And during those times I wish I had someone to keep me accountable...someone to encourage me. But I don't. While I have a very loving husband who treats me well and is a great father to our kids...he's not a church going kind of guy. Although we met in a church...I'm not sure my hubby even "feels" Catholic. Most of the time he gives himself credit for all the good in our lives. If we have a roof over our head and food on the table and clothes on our back...well that had nothing to do with God...that was because HE worked and made money and made responsible choices to make it so. My husband says he prays and that he had a belief in God...yet he hates church. He has a skeptical and cynical view about all things religion. He doesn't really believe that God brought me into his life...or blessed us with healthy happy children. No. that was something WE did.
Secretly I'm a mess. I wonder what God thinks of me. Does he see me as a sinner that needs to get my shit straight? Or is he glad he has me in his army? I don't know...but when I get frustrated with the whole thing I turn on myself. I get lazy. Maybe I don't want to go to church one weekend. Maybe I vent on my best friend, my husband about what those crazy catholic did to piss me off this time. But instead of having a partner that listens and reminds me of why I go...why I belive...why I do what I do....I have a partner that eggs me on. I don't want to go to church: he says, "Good. Now we can go out to dinner." I tell him about how Joe Catholic said something stupid he says, "yeah...that's Catholics for you." He never holds me accountable for my "sins". Instead he justifies them and makes a rational explaination for abandoning faith and serving self. Many would consider this a dream husband. And in many ways he is. But I'm not sure I want a yesman for a partner in this life. I want a man that will remind me why I do it. Why I should stop complaining and just get up and go to church. I want a man that praises the lord loudly and with all his heart. But in my saying that does that mean I don't want the man I got? No. I love him, it's just sometimes I feel I can't share that part of my life with him. That personal important part of me. And if I stumble spiritually...well it's up to me to get myself up. While others have husbands that sit with them in the pew and advise them according to God's will the way he vowed to on his wedding day....I sit alone in my pew with a lump in my throat. He doesn't go to see me sing. He ducks in late....leaves early. And it wouldn't be so bad if he didn't drag the kids along with him.
My faith has given me guidance and comfort along the way. I want desperately to give that gift to my kids. A faith they feel is real and reliable....not that annoying obligation we tend to weekly. But unfortunately this is the messege they get from my husband. He groans when it's time to go to church. Feins illness, complains about what a waste of time it is. The children hear him...and whatever's good enough for dad...is good enough for them. So off to church I go again...alone. So the choice presents itself. Do I continue to involve myself in a ministry I love, providing an education my children need at the expense of the spiritual lives? Do I forsake all that I love in praise and worship through song...just to tend to my family's spiritual lives? Is it too late? what can I do? I'm in between a rock and hard place. It's become go and sing and have a fufilling spiritual life...one my husband does not help me have...one I have to nurture myself. Or make sure my children have one. Yet if I quit the music minsitry...they are not able to go to the school I want them too. It's a horrible desicion. I never wanted to make this choice. I just wish my husband would help me. All he needs to do is take them to church and present it as something healthy for their wellbeing...but he won't even do that. He figures he signs the check that goes in the collection...and that's good enough.
I know a mother is to sacrafice for her kids...but what is the win here? Education vs. Faith...when we need both so desperately. I wish he cared about it. And I wish there were someone to talk to about it without them thinking he's some heathan. He honors the lord through his service to his family...and many times through the aid to his fellow man. But is that enough? I don't know anymore. I wish I had the answer.
Oh if it were that simple. See behind the scenes there is "thing". It's me...it us. Our family. First there me...the one that draggs everyone to church, the one that naggs everyone to get their obligations fulfilled. I myself feel spiritually starved and alone. I struggle with a lot of the aspects of the Catholic faith. And during those times I wish I had someone to keep me accountable...someone to encourage me. But I don't. While I have a very loving husband who treats me well and is a great father to our kids...he's not a church going kind of guy. Although we met in a church...I'm not sure my hubby even "feels" Catholic. Most of the time he gives himself credit for all the good in our lives. If we have a roof over our head and food on the table and clothes on our back...well that had nothing to do with God...that was because HE worked and made money and made responsible choices to make it so. My husband says he prays and that he had a belief in God...yet he hates church. He has a skeptical and cynical view about all things religion. He doesn't really believe that God brought me into his life...or blessed us with healthy happy children. No. that was something WE did.
Secretly I'm a mess. I wonder what God thinks of me. Does he see me as a sinner that needs to get my shit straight? Or is he glad he has me in his army? I don't know...but when I get frustrated with the whole thing I turn on myself. I get lazy. Maybe I don't want to go to church one weekend. Maybe I vent on my best friend, my husband about what those crazy catholic did to piss me off this time. But instead of having a partner that listens and reminds me of why I go...why I belive...why I do what I do....I have a partner that eggs me on. I don't want to go to church: he says, "Good. Now we can go out to dinner." I tell him about how Joe Catholic said something stupid he says, "yeah...that's Catholics for you." He never holds me accountable for my "sins". Instead he justifies them and makes a rational explaination for abandoning faith and serving self. Many would consider this a dream husband. And in many ways he is. But I'm not sure I want a yesman for a partner in this life. I want a man that will remind me why I do it. Why I should stop complaining and just get up and go to church. I want a man that praises the lord loudly and with all his heart. But in my saying that does that mean I don't want the man I got? No. I love him, it's just sometimes I feel I can't share that part of my life with him. That personal important part of me. And if I stumble spiritually...well it's up to me to get myself up. While others have husbands that sit with them in the pew and advise them according to God's will the way he vowed to on his wedding day....I sit alone in my pew with a lump in my throat. He doesn't go to see me sing. He ducks in late....leaves early. And it wouldn't be so bad if he didn't drag the kids along with him.
My faith has given me guidance and comfort along the way. I want desperately to give that gift to my kids. A faith they feel is real and reliable....not that annoying obligation we tend to weekly. But unfortunately this is the messege they get from my husband. He groans when it's time to go to church. Feins illness, complains about what a waste of time it is. The children hear him...and whatever's good enough for dad...is good enough for them. So off to church I go again...alone. So the choice presents itself. Do I continue to involve myself in a ministry I love, providing an education my children need at the expense of the spiritual lives? Do I forsake all that I love in praise and worship through song...just to tend to my family's spiritual lives? Is it too late? what can I do? I'm in between a rock and hard place. It's become go and sing and have a fufilling spiritual life...one my husband does not help me have...one I have to nurture myself. Or make sure my children have one. Yet if I quit the music minsitry...they are not able to go to the school I want them too. It's a horrible desicion. I never wanted to make this choice. I just wish my husband would help me. All he needs to do is take them to church and present it as something healthy for their wellbeing...but he won't even do that. He figures he signs the check that goes in the collection...and that's good enough.
I know a mother is to sacrafice for her kids...but what is the win here? Education vs. Faith...when we need both so desperately. I wish he cared about it. And I wish there were someone to talk to about it without them thinking he's some heathan. He honors the lord through his service to his family...and many times through the aid to his fellow man. But is that enough? I don't know anymore. I wish I had the answer.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
The Moderately Invisible Blog...to the rescue
Hey Everyone...or in my case...no one.
It's the moderately invisible blog here. You're probably wondering...why the invisible blog? Because. Have you ever felt so strongly about something...but you have never had the stones to post it for fear of backlash...or losing your job...or having people argue with you over how YOU feel? Or worse...them judging you, and putting an unfair label on you. This is the story of my life. I'm a woman of many passions. I have a mish mash of beliefs, opinions, and ideas. I'm not the typical ANYTHING. I'm not the smartest person in the world...but I know I'm not the dumbest. Many think I'm long winded, too idealistic, naive, ignorant and what I have to say has no value. They be right about most of that. And I used to care about what they thought. But I started this blog because I don't care anymore. This space is for me to say whatever the hell I feel like saying. I'm a mother...but that is not what I base my entire identity on. This will not be a "mommy" blog. I'm a spouse...but I never lose myself in a man. This will not be a "Love" blog. I'm a woman of faith...but this will not be a "God blog". Probably no one will care to read it and not many know it's there (hence the name). Some may say that blogging is passive aggressive. Call me a coward if you want. I know words are powerful...its words that start actions...actions of everything from love to war. So why "moderately" invisible? It wasn't enough for me to write. I have to write and know that it's "out there". Like some how I offered it to the world "anonymously". That if some how...some way...my words could inspire good in the world...I have not blogged in vain. No, I don't love the sound of my own voice...but I'm proud of who I am and I'm passionate about what I feel. I trust my instincts but I know that I'm not the end all be all. I'm not always right and I still have a ton to learn. So I'll just have to see how this turns out. One things for sure...things are going to change.
It's the moderately invisible blog here. You're probably wondering...why the invisible blog? Because. Have you ever felt so strongly about something...but you have never had the stones to post it for fear of backlash...or losing your job...or having people argue with you over how YOU feel? Or worse...them judging you, and putting an unfair label on you. This is the story of my life. I'm a woman of many passions. I have a mish mash of beliefs, opinions, and ideas. I'm not the typical ANYTHING. I'm not the smartest person in the world...but I know I'm not the dumbest. Many think I'm long winded, too idealistic, naive, ignorant and what I have to say has no value. They be right about most of that. And I used to care about what they thought. But I started this blog because I don't care anymore. This space is for me to say whatever the hell I feel like saying. I'm a mother...but that is not what I base my entire identity on. This will not be a "mommy" blog. I'm a spouse...but I never lose myself in a man. This will not be a "Love" blog. I'm a woman of faith...but this will not be a "God blog". Probably no one will care to read it and not many know it's there (hence the name). Some may say that blogging is passive aggressive. Call me a coward if you want. I know words are powerful...its words that start actions...actions of everything from love to war. So why "moderately" invisible? It wasn't enough for me to write. I have to write and know that it's "out there". Like some how I offered it to the world "anonymously". That if some how...some way...my words could inspire good in the world...I have not blogged in vain. No, I don't love the sound of my own voice...but I'm proud of who I am and I'm passionate about what I feel. I trust my instincts but I know that I'm not the end all be all. I'm not always right and I still have a ton to learn. So I'll just have to see how this turns out. One things for sure...things are going to change.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)