Husbands Suck!
by Diana Heilman

I hate it when my husband gives up Coffee...or has a bad day...or is sick or whatever excuse he give to treat me like dirt. 

Sure, I'll admit that I have many flaws.  The house is always dirty.  I forget things all the time.  I'm generally an anxious person.  I get sick or injured more often then I probably should.  So he has a huge load to bear.  Dinner doesn't get made...bills don't get paid...which equals more work for him.  But that is the reality of our life.  And despite the fact I try sooo hard and give this life everything I've got....its for nothing because everything I work for...the happiness and well being of my family...isn't achieved no matter how hard I work.  My blood, sweat and tears poured into this family goes unnoticed.

My kids are happy.  They are health and safe.  They do fairly well in school and in their little lives.  We have food, and things eventually get done.  But they're never to his speicifications.  Nothing is good enough for him.  It's not fast enough, the food is not delicious enough, or not enough in quantity.  He throws fits like a 3 year old when he doesn't get what he wants.  Everything becomes fair game.  My cooking, my housekeeping, the way I do things....me.  Me...the woman he chose to be his wife....I am not good enough when he gets in these moods.  He beats me down with one look....till I feel as tiny as a mouse.  He breaks me down with his harsh words and his coldness.  He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders and has begun to resent me for it.

I feel hopeless.  This is as good as I can get.  This is me...giving my 100%.  If he's disappointed with that....it's only a matter of time.  So he stays with me maybe just because he doesnt' have the time or energy not to.  And this keeps happening.  I walk on egg shells...but inevitably....they crack.  He loses it.  I flinch with each word out of his mouth as if it's a punch to my face....because to me...they hurt.  My heart flinches each time.  I'm always the target of his anger.  I'm always the person he takes out his day on.  Maybe it's because I'm just the one that's around....maybe its because he knows that I'll forgive him.  But I'm so sick of it.  The person he loves the most.....and he treats me this way.  Sometimes I feel trapped.  He has all the power...I have nothing.  Just my kids. 

And he'd be content to let this go on.  But not me.  I can't talk to him...I can't show him the real me.  He uses it to hurt me time and time again.  So I've stopped trusting him with it.  How can I love this man so much?  When he hurts me everyday with the chip on his shoulder.  He says he can't count on me.  Well, I've stopped counting on him too.  For the things that matter most to me.  I don't like what I've become.  this powerless person...that has no knowlege, or ambition, or money.  Who looks at the world with cynicism and what's in it for me attitude.  I know I get it from him.  I know he doesn't encourage me to grow...he only enables me to be the person I am now.  I feel impotent...unable to be what I was supposed to be.  The person I wanted to be.

I don't even know what to do about it other than suffer.  And just wait for a day when this ends.  Either I will or he will.  But everday....I pray...."I hope he likes me today.  I hope he likes me today."  And when he walks through the door I know if it's going to be a good evening or not.  And if it's not....I run away....I look out the window and imagine myself far from here.  I curse the day I became a Heilman...and entered that God forsaken family.  Only my kids make the day worth it.  They make me regret letting myself dream of anything but....My life the way it was supposed to be.  The good times get me through...because no matter what he does to me...I can't stop loving him.  The good times have become lean....It makes me mad that I forgive him.  Because i know if i do this wont' end.  But what choice do I have.